The World's Worst Haircut

Haircuts....

Just like clothing.... A necessary evil.  

An "unavoidable" cost. 

"Utilitarian" in my mind.

So, I usually wait until I can no longer stand the length of my hair.  Then I go in and get it cut pretty short....  And I do so at the lowest possible cost...  Which means Cost Cutters, Great Clips, or Fantastic Sams - and usually with a coupon.

I have a couple of different of these salons that I have had better luck than others.  Within the past year though, I have crossed one of the two Fantastic Sams off my list due to a pretty horrific haircut.

Yesterday, while driving around doing some errands (and in need of a haircut) I passed by one of my "acceptable" establishments, so I decided to run in for that quick haircut. 

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Before I delve into the horror that took place afterwards, let me remind you that I am a slightly socially anxious person.  Unless it is among a core few people in my life, I DESPISE bodily contact from others.  I actually cringe, and cower...

- - - - -

My FIRST clue that I should have just turned around and left the building, was the absence of the moderately dressed, "thirty-something" hair dressers that I normally find working.  In their place I discovered a set of chunky Girls Next Door.  There was three of them - Just like the Girls Next Door.  They were all bottle bleach blonds - Just like the Girls Next Door.  And they all appeared to be "disproportionally augmented" between the neck and the waist - Just like the Girls Next Door.  They were (on the other hand) slightly shorter, and heavier than The Girls Next Door.  (I can say that because I know first hand what "chunky" is - I see it in the mirror every day!)

Henceforth, these employees will be known as TGND's.

My SECOND clue that I should have just turned around and left the building, was when TGND #1 who was sitting closest to the door (and did not have a customer) looked at me when I walked in.  She looked at me, then looked back at TGND #2, who quickly told TGND #1 that it would be "O.K.", and that she could check me in.

TGND #1 then proceeded to check me in.  Having been to this establishment before, my name (and my cut preferences) are saved in their computer system.

My THIRD clue I should have just turned around and left the building, came when after checking me in TGND #1 sat for (in reality was about 20 seconds) but what SEEMED like 20 minutes - staring at the computer monitor.  No.. It was more like staring THROUGH the monitor - Her eyes were not moving (as if she would have been reading).  Then, after that long pause, TGND #1 turned to me and said (as if she was in shock) "I can take you now"....  (What?!?!   Now?!?!?  Um... Like.... Ok....).

The FOURTH clue I should have just turned around and left the building, was (when asked about how I would like my hair cut) I told TGND #1 the same thing I tell everyone that cuts my hair. 

"Short on the sides, a little longer along the top, so I can part my bangs.  Over the Ears, and no sideburns."  I told her that "they" (other hair cutters) have told me to remember that I use the #3 clippers"

TGND #1 looked at me like I was off my rocker... "The Number three"? She asked...   "Yes, the number three." I told her as she looked more and more confused.  "Um... #3 blade for the CLIPPERS..."  (Ring a bell honey?)

"Ohhhhh!  The Clippers" she said, "It HAS been a long time since you got your hair cut hasn't it"?  To which I agreed (I hear that almost every time I go for a haircut).  She turned quickly went to work untangling the rats nest of tangled cords in her drawer.

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This was the point of no return.  I could have (should have) got up, and walked out right then and there.  Being the person I am (an optimist), I held out hope that she could pull this off...

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I did check the wall, and found the Cosmetology License issued by the State of Minnesota (with the name matching the name that TGND #2 and TGND #3 were calling TGND #1). That made me feel slightly better.

Then, the hair cut commenced...  Everything went pretty normal.  Clippers to the back, clippers on one side, clippers on the other side... then, (as she turned me away from the mirror (so my back was facing it - and I no longer can see myself)) - I felt that all too familiar tickle of the clippers move RIGHT UP THE CENTER OF MY HEAD... 

What??? What was that??? What just happened??  I couldn't see...  Then, (the all too familiar tickle of the clippers) covered more and more "real estate" on the top of my head. 

FlowbeeCould it be?  Some new style of clippers?  I usually have my hair "scissored" on the top, but perhaps TGND #1 was using some new-fangeld hair cutting tool!  Maybe she had a Flowbee... Oh, at this point, I PRAYED she had a Flowbee!

Then, she turned me slightly... Just enough that I could not get a good look into the mirror without being obvious.  (It was - after all - a bit too late to do anything about a bad haircut anyway.) As I was trying hard to peer into the mirror without making it obvious that's what I was doing, the bottom fell out of any chance I had a good haircut. 

The (the all too familiar tickle of the clippers) then went right ACROSS MY FOREHEAD.  I watched in utter disbelief as my bangs were horrifically decapitated from my head, as they thumped down upon my face, nose, and the bib that they put on you when you get your hair cut.... 

Defeated... Crushed... My spirit was broken.  There is not a chance in... well.. there was going to be no chance that my hair would turn out like I wanted it to...

With broken spirit, I slouched back into my chair and submissively let TGND #1 violate what was left of the hair on my head....

Then (as if this was not already the worst possible Scenario), TGND #1 kept rubbing up against me.... Uggghh... It was even worse than the hair cut while it was happening.  Her "disproportionally augmented appendages" kept "bumping into me" - and given my issues with social anxiety - I was truly FROZEN by this traumatic experience.

I (at one point) had to (obviously) close my eyes, and TGND #1 leaned down DIRECTLY IN FRONT OF ME - exposing the vast Grand Canyon of cleavage that I suspect she thought would yield her a bigger tip.  Well Chunky Girl Next Door, your cleavage flaunting, breast bumping, unwanted propositions for a bigger tip got you the exact opposite.  (Not to mention having given me an upset stomach...)

When I was finally turned around, and shown myself in the mirror, it was not as bad as I had pictured it, but oh-so-not-what-I-wanted either...  Blech...   I had hopes that a king's ransom with of hair spray may just allow me to do what I want with my hair.

Wanting nothing but to get out of there as fast as I could, I told her that my hair looked fine... She brushed me off, I settled up, and ran just as fast as my big feet would take this mountainous silhouette of man away from this hellish nightmare!  Thankfully, with all that hair gone, I think I was slightly more aerodynamic, and therefore was able to escape faster than I could have earlier. 

pinheadtoilet brushMy worst fears were later discovered.  My hair is so short even soaking it in hair spray does nothing to move it... I now look like "Pinhead" - with many more tiny pins (almost "hair like" in girth) - hair standing straight up, and out from my head....

I called home to warn the Mother of Five, who then shared this information with the kids.

When I got home, I found a gathering of my children, all snickering at me from the top of the stairs - waiting to see how "bald" their dad has become...  Thankfully I had a hat on.

Do you know what a toilet brush looks like???   If you do, you'll be able to pick me out of a crowd... Easily!  I'm the fella that looks like a chubby toilet brush! 

Hmmm... I wonder what is the Guinness Book's World Record is for longest time without taking a hat off? 

5 comments:

  1. What a story! Now you simply need to post a picture for the whole world to see...;-)

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  2. I got sick of spending money on haircuts (and the time) and just started to buzz my head with a clippers. That was about 3 years ago when I ran my half marathon, and I have not grown my hair out since. I spent about $30 on the clippers and have gotten more than their worth it free haircuts!!

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  3. Okay, okay, I have SEEN this haircut and it's not THAT BAD. While I have to agree, it's definately shorter than I am used seeing on your head, but a toilet brush? A little bit dramatic don't you think?

    On a second note, thanks a lot for ruining my love of the GND!!!!

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  4. Hilarious! You need to get more haircuts just for the stories.
    Your haircut style sounds like mine, except I use a #2 clipper.

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  5. If we can keep this between us, I'll go halvsies with you on a flowbee. I've wanted one since I was a teenager. I can cut your hair for you, and I promise, no cavernous cleavage or (much)unwelcome rubbing.
    mwa!
    lisa

    ReplyDelete

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