Unearthing some old relics.

Not too long ago, I created a post (well, it was "created for me") called A Missive from Dave ??

For thoes of you who do not know the whole story, you will have to read that posting.

Once you have caught up, and know the backstory behind the "missives", you can and will appreciate this next bit of news a little bit more!

With the help of "the suspect", I have unearthed several older Missives from the long forgotten archives. I will be adding a new missive every once and a while.

I do not recall the specific order these went out, so you will see dates, and or current events mentioned that may not jive with the previous, or the next missive.

All I can say is sit back, buckle in, and enjoy the ride!

(The only dissapointment (to me) is the author of these missives is "blogless".)

Anyway, Enjoy!

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Dear Friends,

As I was surfing the Web the other day, I came across an interesting article. Please read the excerpt below:

Constipation and Your Cat CONSTIPATION AND CATS (normal feline colon)

Constipation is relatively common in cats. While middle-aged and older cats (cats over 8 years) are more susceptible; cats of any age can become constipated. Although there is no absolute rule on the number of bowel movements a cat should have each day, most healthy adult cats have one or two....

Constipation, in and of itself, is not a disease. It is, however, a sign that all is not well within the cat's gastrointestinal tract. And if not attended to promptly, constipation can become a debilitating and serious condition as constipation progresses, the signs become more pronounced. The cat may lose its appetite, become lethargic, look unkempt, begin to crouch and hunch up because of abdominal discomfort, and possibly even vomit.…

Treatment for constipation is two pronged.' first, relieve the constipation from recurring either by removing the cause of the constipation or by medically managing the cat. Relief for the constipated cat can occur naturally through induced defecation with enemas and glycerin infused into the colon, or, if the cat is severely impacted, through manual removal of the hardened feces under anesthesia.

Any cat that has been constipated for several days may also be very dehydrated. So before staring any procedure, your veterinarian may give your cat subcutaneous or intravenous replacement fluids. Dehydration with intravenous fluid may also be necessary to help renurish the colon with electrolytes and fluids…

You may be asking yourself, "Why? Why do I care about this, Dave?"
My answer is that you don't have to care, but know that I do. For the following reasons. -

I am a mammal
I am approaching middle-age
At times, I am lethargic
At times, I have appeared unkempt
At times, I hunch over
I seem to always be thirsty
I eat food
I am omnivorous
I watch and tape "American Idol"

Again, you may ask. "So ... ?"

Most, if not all of you are aware that I recently had surgery and a resulting stay in the hospital. While in the hospital and for several weeks afterwards, I had several types of medications prescribed by my physician, and being the model patient I followed my physician's advice and took my medicine. One should note that some of the medications were Schedule III narcotics and of the opiate family.

If you are like me (and I know I am) you will eat three meals a day with the occasional snack in-between meals. So there I was, eating and lying around. Sleeping a lot. Eating and sleeping. The lack of physical activity just exacerbated the effects of the medication. I just didn't feel "right". Several days later, I was unable to concentrate; I could not find any position - sitting or lying down - which was comfortable. One day I found myself in the bathroom, crying, curled up in a fetal position, rocking back and forth. Was this all because of too much medication, the pain from the surgery, or both? (Afterwards I remember that Jessie Ventura was on TV and I was too weak to change the channel)

This had to stop and stop now. I turned to the Internet for guidance and as everyone knows everything you read and see there is true, really. I read that in an email.

Click click click… typing in as fast as possible into my trusty search engine. Click click clickity- click. Search for; middle age, distress, pain, and crying, licking, lethargy, discomfort ... And there it was. Now I finally had insight into my problem.

The article describing me.
Now I knew.
I am a cat!

First, the dehydration. Hmmm ... what can I drink a lot of?

I found it. In the garage, hidden behind bags and boxes full of my Barry Manilow memorabilia was what I would need to start feeling like "me" again. There they were- eight bottles of Grande Canadian whiskey, standing at attention, undisturbed by my dear wife. Okay, only two were unopened - the others empty but for the old cigar butts from last month's days off.

Fiber. I needed fiber, and lots of it.

I checked throughout the kitchen and in the last cupboard there he was, smiling at me,

The Quaker Oats Quaker.

More fiber. Bread. Lots of whole grain bread.

Clean off the kitchen table and counter tops. I would need a lot of room.

Still, something was missing ... I kept rummaging through the cupboards. Ah ha, what luck! A four-pound bag of dried prunes!

Now I would need to arrange my assembly line to recovery. Three trays of ice, a large tumbler, two-litre bottle of Coke (diet - yuck!), loaf of bread, oatmeal, prunes, knife ... I was ready.

Ten sandwiches were lined up, ready for their mission.

You don't realize how thirsty you can get while eating oatmeal-prune on whole-wheat bread sandwiches. The first four drinks did help. Now on to the second sandwich. Four more drinks to wash it all down. Hey, this is going well, I thought. Three more sandwiches with twelve chasers and I was feeling full, but without much pain.

One hour later.…

The moment of truth had come.

Another hour later…

My legs are asleep. I don't think I can sit for another minute. I don't feel well.

Why isn't this working? I would swear that by now, I would be dilated to at least eight, if not ten centimeters. I made my decision; I would have to induce.

Opening the shower curtain there it was. Installed just two months ago - the Pollenex G-40D Chrome shower head with extension.

(Helpful hint: Run the water for at least 30 seconds on WARM. Then check it again. My mistake was that from where I was sitting, everything was backwards. Enough said)

Yes, there is a happy ending to the story. Everything worked out fine. (Another helpful hint: you can never have too many paper towels and bottles of PineSol)

I was able to replace the broken mirror and towel rack, wet vac, squeegee, wet vac and squeegee all before my wife and children came home.

I have been back to work now for almost two weeks and for nearly all that time, I have felt "normal".

Every once and a while I forget things, like logging off my email.

Thank you for letting me share a small part of my life.

Ooops, gotta go!!!


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