Another Missive titled "Dear Friends,"

Yup - it happened again.

If you use a feed reader you will have seen two empty posts titled "Dear Friends" (one referring to a PDF file - that was not present here on FOF), and a second talking about how "you know the drill". A few of you may have even received an email WITH the attachment. Regardless, I feel I need to explain.

Once again have been victimized by a slightly moderately severely disturbed co-worker who is hell bent to try and convince you of my insanity. This time, the suspect created (ahead of time) a PDF file with the text and photos you see below.

Ignoring (for a moment) the insane ramblings, and inane archaic references to bizarre historical "pop culture" events - The fact that this suspect would go to such lengths (building a PDF ahead of time and keeping it "in wait" till the opportunity presented itself) is frightening enough, but when you add the creative disturbing text along with how much work they put into getting these "Missives" out - it is just frightening.

No wonder the therapist refused to see this person anymore. There are some very disturbing areas of this brain that are better left undisturbed. The world will be a better place.

Sit back, and enjoy.

David.


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Dear Friends,

I am compelled to make some corrections / additions to my blog.

Some time ago, while thinking of a name or title for my blog - no matter how long and hard I thought - I could not come up with a good portmanteau. "Blog" is short and to the point. Everyone who has any semblance of conciousness knows what a blog is. "Spork" – saves money and resources by combining a spoon and a fork – especially handy for eating salads. I had tried "Fathive", "Lifherive", Thifetherive" . . . nothing would work.

Try something else, then.

Unfortunately, "It's a Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad World" was already being used so, I would plagiarize another's graphics and enter my own title:

"The Life of a Father of Five" aka . . . "Chaos in Paradise"

Ha! More words! More chances at getting hits on the search engines!

Pity the other blogs with shorter names, thus, not as well-known as mine:

Many Things do not Fly
The King of Clubs
JDZ Phtography
Ethereal Garage
Krystal the Pistol
The Standing Family
My Sister's Blog

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FOF Observation #6

"After all, who really sees the bottom of your shoes anyway? . . . Hey, come-on... They are comfortable if nothing else!!"

Father of Five . . . . (ME!)

It has been brought to my attention than my shoes are in need of some minor repair. I have been warned if I do not tend to them immediately; my old shoes will be forcibly removed and replaced by a new pair of Nike tennis shoes. The shoes are the "Marshall Applewhite" model of Nike, which is from the "Heavens Gate" collection.

I looked them up on Ebay:

- "39 pair of Nike tennis shoes - Like New - Worn Only Once"
- "Free UFOlogical Study Guide DVD With Each Pair Sold! "
- "Free Phenobarbital/Vodka Drink Mix "

(and wait, there's more . . . . )

- "Free Head-Sized Plastic Bag!"
- "Free armband – "Heaven's Gate Away Team""

Next-Day air shipment from Rancho Santa Fe, CA is available.

That sounds like quite the deal, and, who wouldn't mind co-workers using force to replace one's worn footwear? I mean, who am I to resist if I were to be "punished" for being a dirty, nasty boy?

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I don't know how to title this post.

It's either "The End of an Era" or "Man, do I feel Old".
You see, I heard today that Kevin DuBrow (former lead Singer of Quiet Riot) died today.
(AP News Article)

Well then, I have to choose another band to replace Quiet Riot.
Hmmmm . . . . let me think . . . zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz Got it!

Porcupine Tree used audio samples taken from Applewhite's video message for the song "Last Chance to Evacuate Earth Before it is Recycled" which appears on the bands album, Lightbulb Sun.

If you fall asleep with me
You can dream and drowse
The minutes turn to hours

We could climb a tree or two
And watch the sun go down
Upon our sleepy town

After all the time I spent with you
Summer went away
And we just weren't the same

It's just you and me alone
Not grown ups but not kids
You kissed me on the lips

Last Chance to Evacuate Planet Earth Before It Is Recycled
[instrumental]
la la la la la laaaa la allalalalalaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

http://www.beatfrequency.org/?p=32

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Sleep Depravation

By the time I go to bed tonight (Tuesday - Hopefully around 9 or 10 pm) I will have had
a grand total of 14 hours of sleep since Friday morning.

de·prave - Pronunciation [di-preyv]
– verb (used with object), -praved, -prav·ing.
1. to make morally bad or evil; vitiate; corrupt.
2. Obsolete . to defame.

depravation
- noun
moral perversion; impairment of virtue and moral principles; "the luxury and corruption among the upper classes"; "moral degeneracy followed intellectual degeneration"; "its brothels, its opium parlors, its depravity"; "Rome had fallen into moral putrefaction" [syn: corruption]
WordNet® 3.0, © 2006 by Princeton University.

Okay, next post will be about deprivation – you all know I am depraved and somewhat morally putrefied.

I so much enjoyed that song above, as it speaks of sleep and dreams. Oh, to sleep and dream . . .

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Recycling

Why can't someone find a use for my old shoes? Maybe some type of doorstop, emergency birth control device or temporary housing for vermin? – There has to be some way to reuse them. I am very concerned about my carbon footprint and greenhouse gas discharge; hopefully I will succeed in a twenty-percent reduction this year alone! I went to the very helpful website http://www.carbonfootprint.com/Minimise_cfp.html and found several things I could implement immediately.

1. Reduce intake of cabbage, legumes and egg products
No more cabbage borscht
No more eating an entire 84 oz can of Van Decamps Beans
No more pickled eggs

2. Eliminate rumination
No more regurgitating food for a second, third or fourth "chew"
No more belching methane
No more pies (less evacuating ON the earth)

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Does this make me less interesting by conforming? Will I become dull, bland, listless . . . Sounds like my life needs a bit more cowBELL! What is missing in my life? The ART BELL radio show.

How I long for his caller's UFO abduction stories, the tales of cattle mutilations and other barnyard tales.

True, Ron & Fez show is a worthy replacement for Art, but something is still missing.

I believe it is the way in which I listen, not what I am hearing.

For example, when I would listen to Art Bell, late at night, under the covers with my Ray-O-Vac 2D-cell flashlight, I was in my own world. I would leave just enough opening in the covers over my head so I wouldn't pass out from hypercapnia.

At night, with a sandwich-size ziplock baggie containing Keebler crackers, a can of Hawaiian Punch at my side and my trusty transistorized AM radio, I was in bed heaven.

I would wait until my wife was asleep, then ever so slowly, ease the mono earpiece from it's coil around my transistorized friend. After cleaning out the offending earwax onto my wife's pillow, I would push the phone into my ear, turn on the radio eager to hear Art's show. Sometimes, the tuning control would inadvertently move to another station, making me guess how far and which way to turn the dial. On rare occasions, I would need help from Mr. Shine (my trusty Ray-O-Vac flashlight) to find Art's show.

With the covers now over my head, my breathing vent adjusted and in my Star Wars Boba Fett jammies, I could nibble away at my Keebler's while Art would inform me of the past, present and pending UFO conspiracies. It was so much fun in my safe place!

All those late nights have taken their toll on my sleep pattern. Now, I lay awake at night, staring at the ceiling, breathing fresh air, stereo headphones on, listening to 32k MP3 music for hours.

Sadly, now, the music numbs me rather than to inform, the fresh air keeps my organs alive and functioning well, the stereo phone keeps me from hearing approaching danger, Mr Shine - damaged beyond repair long ago from leaking zinc-carbon batteries. I miss my nighttime snacks. I miss the man on the Hawaiian Punch can. Now, packaged in plastic, with some label showing pictures of fruit . . . big deal, I want the punch-guy back!

I have lost a part of myself. (Usually I lose my keys, wallet and checkbook) I have lost that "safe" feeling. (My wife told me if I ever, ever went under the covers, spill-pop-and-get-cracker-crumbs-in-the-bed again! - I would beg and pray for a quick and painless death.)

The other day, I found my transistorized friend inside the bottom dresser drawer, wrapped in the Erik Estrada CHiP's throw blanket. No battery, so I took one from the kid's room smoke detector. Turning it on all I could find was "CCO – 830" and a horrific squealing / squawking noise. No matter where I tuned, all that would come through the speaker was this awful sound! I thought to myself, "There is NO way Ann Coulter can be on EVERY station!"

Sadly, I can no longer listen. With the intercom system, cordless phones, computers, video game consoles, handheld video games, handheld personal massagers and constant irradiation from my neighbor's WIFI network, my radio . . . my transistorized AM radio. . . my friend, is useless.

The torch has passed . . . that special thing you treasured . . . replaced by IC's and MP3's, PDA's and PTO's, DVD's, STD's . . . pass the peas.

Fondly,
David

Unearthing some old relics.

Not too long ago, I created a post (well, it was "created for me") called A Missive from Dave ??

For thoes of you who do not know the whole story, you will have to read that posting.

Once you have caught up, and know the backstory behind the "missives", you can and will appreciate this next bit of news a little bit more!

With the help of "the suspect", I have unearthed several older Missives from the long forgotten archives. I will be adding a new missive every once and a while.

I do not recall the specific order these went out, so you will see dates, and or current events mentioned that may not jive with the previous, or the next missive.

All I can say is sit back, buckle in, and enjoy the ride!

(The only dissapointment (to me) is the author of these missives is "blogless".)

Anyway, Enjoy!

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Dear Friends,

As I was surfing the Web the other day, I came across an interesting article. Please read the excerpt below:

Constipation and Your Cat CONSTIPATION AND CATS (normal feline colon)

Constipation is relatively common in cats. While middle-aged and older cats (cats over 8 years) are more susceptible; cats of any age can become constipated. Although there is no absolute rule on the number of bowel movements a cat should have each day, most healthy adult cats have one or two....

Constipation, in and of itself, is not a disease. It is, however, a sign that all is not well within the cat's gastrointestinal tract. And if not attended to promptly, constipation can become a debilitating and serious condition as constipation progresses, the signs become more pronounced. The cat may lose its appetite, become lethargic, look unkempt, begin to crouch and hunch up because of abdominal discomfort, and possibly even vomit.…

Treatment for constipation is two pronged.' first, relieve the constipation from recurring either by removing the cause of the constipation or by medically managing the cat. Relief for the constipated cat can occur naturally through induced defecation with enemas and glycerin infused into the colon, or, if the cat is severely impacted, through manual removal of the hardened feces under anesthesia.

Any cat that has been constipated for several days may also be very dehydrated. So before staring any procedure, your veterinarian may give your cat subcutaneous or intravenous replacement fluids. Dehydration with intravenous fluid may also be necessary to help renurish the colon with electrolytes and fluids…

You may be asking yourself, "Why? Why do I care about this, Dave?"
My answer is that you don't have to care, but know that I do. For the following reasons. -

I am a mammal
I am approaching middle-age
At times, I am lethargic
At times, I have appeared unkempt
At times, I hunch over
I seem to always be thirsty
I eat food
I am omnivorous
I watch and tape "American Idol"

Again, you may ask. "So ... ?"

Most, if not all of you are aware that I recently had surgery and a resulting stay in the hospital. While in the hospital and for several weeks afterwards, I had several types of medications prescribed by my physician, and being the model patient I followed my physician's advice and took my medicine. One should note that some of the medications were Schedule III narcotics and of the opiate family.

If you are like me (and I know I am) you will eat three meals a day with the occasional snack in-between meals. So there I was, eating and lying around. Sleeping a lot. Eating and sleeping. The lack of physical activity just exacerbated the effects of the medication. I just didn't feel "right". Several days later, I was unable to concentrate; I could not find any position - sitting or lying down - which was comfortable. One day I found myself in the bathroom, crying, curled up in a fetal position, rocking back and forth. Was this all because of too much medication, the pain from the surgery, or both? (Afterwards I remember that Jessie Ventura was on TV and I was too weak to change the channel)

This had to stop and stop now. I turned to the Internet for guidance and as everyone knows everything you read and see there is true, really. I read that in an email.

Click click click… typing in as fast as possible into my trusty search engine. Click click clickity- click. Search for; middle age, distress, pain, and crying, licking, lethargy, discomfort ... And there it was. Now I finally had insight into my problem.

The article describing me.
Now I knew.
I am a cat!

First, the dehydration. Hmmm ... what can I drink a lot of?

I found it. In the garage, hidden behind bags and boxes full of my Barry Manilow memorabilia was what I would need to start feeling like "me" again. There they were- eight bottles of Grande Canadian whiskey, standing at attention, undisturbed by my dear wife. Okay, only two were unopened - the others empty but for the old cigar butts from last month's days off.

Fiber. I needed fiber, and lots of it.

I checked throughout the kitchen and in the last cupboard there he was, smiling at me,

The Quaker Oats Quaker.

More fiber. Bread. Lots of whole grain bread.

Clean off the kitchen table and counter tops. I would need a lot of room.

Still, something was missing ... I kept rummaging through the cupboards. Ah ha, what luck! A four-pound bag of dried prunes!

Now I would need to arrange my assembly line to recovery. Three trays of ice, a large tumbler, two-litre bottle of Coke (diet - yuck!), loaf of bread, oatmeal, prunes, knife ... I was ready.

Ten sandwiches were lined up, ready for their mission.

You don't realize how thirsty you can get while eating oatmeal-prune on whole-wheat bread sandwiches. The first four drinks did help. Now on to the second sandwich. Four more drinks to wash it all down. Hey, this is going well, I thought. Three more sandwiches with twelve chasers and I was feeling full, but without much pain.

One hour later.…

The moment of truth had come.

Another hour later…

My legs are asleep. I don't think I can sit for another minute. I don't feel well.

Why isn't this working? I would swear that by now, I would be dilated to at least eight, if not ten centimeters. I made my decision; I would have to induce.

Opening the shower curtain there it was. Installed just two months ago - the Pollenex G-40D Chrome shower head with extension.

(Helpful hint: Run the water for at least 30 seconds on WARM. Then check it again. My mistake was that from where I was sitting, everything was backwards. Enough said)

Yes, there is a happy ending to the story. Everything worked out fine. (Another helpful hint: you can never have too many paper towels and bottles of PineSol)

I was able to replace the broken mirror and towel rack, wet vac, squeegee, wet vac and squeegee all before my wife and children came home.

I have been back to work now for almost two weeks and for nearly all that time, I have felt "normal".

Every once and a while I forget things, like logging off my email.

Thank you for letting me share a small part of my life.

Ooops, gotta go!!!

Dave

A Missive From Dave ??

Yes friends, it's that time again... Time that I left work and forgot to log off my PC.

What, prey tell, happens when I forget to log off? The mysterious "Hit and Run" emailer leaves his or her "Mark" in my sentbox.

While this mystery person is creative, and has a strong vocabulary, I question his/her sanity. I also worry about possible demonic possession (i.e. Linda Blair). You may have been a recipient of one of this person's prior emails - you may not have. But, rest assured my dear friends, and family - I have not lost "as many" of my marbles as you may have thought when you opened your email box this morning.

For posterity sake, I have included the message that was sent out (on my behalf) for your reading enjoyment.

Oh, be not angry at this "mystery writer" - nay, feel pity for him or her, as I feel he/she may have much deeper, much darker, and much more sinister demons to deal with than even I.

Think not of revenge for this email terrorist. Dream not of using a "Blade" - "oh" no - for it is forgiveness that I feel in my heart, as I urge you to feel... Both, Forgiveness and pity.

David.

(Oh, and by the way... I'd fell more comfortable writing a "manifesto" than I would a "missive" anyway...)

Some of the replies I got back from some recipeiets include...

From Tony M.
"?"

From David G.
"Ahahahahahahahhaha a little delayed but I got this now at work too!! Hmm, did Dave leave his email unattended again?? "
(Note: Obviously David G has received some of these messages in the past!)

From Ed H.
What the hell are you talking about???
Pink eye??? Quit picking your nose and rubbing your eye with your finger.
Any other life problems I can help you out with?
Your Friend, Ed

(Original Message displayed below)
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Dear Friends,

I believe too much time has passed since my last missive, and with that thought, I want to share some of the things that MISSED my blog – The Life of a Father of Five.

Recently, I self-diagnosed conjunctivitis in my right eye and with proper medication prescribed by a licensed physician; I should fully heal within a couple of days. Luckily, it wasn't the feared Blepharoconjunctivitis, Keratoconjunctivitis or Jumpinyourfacetofightus. I would be spared some of the pain and embarrasment, at least for now. Hopefully, I will remember to wash my hands, and if not, well . . . re-infection is not out of the question.

With the recent political climate, the last thing one wants said about them is to be called red or, in this case, pink. "Pink Eye" – sounds like something the dear Republican Senator Joe McCarthy might call you if you were looking to become a communist. Unlike today's claims that there are large numbers of terrorists, anti-government spies and sympathizers working inside federal,state and local government, his public attacks on the character or patriotism of political opponents were cruel and unsubstantiated. I thank God every day, that our great country doesn't condone such behavior and lies.

At first, I thought the irritation to my eye was from the constant rubbing (of my eye) as I am famous for being chronically tired. Then I remembered a quote from Journalist Richard Rovere (1959) about Joe;

" He had always been a heavy drinker, and there were times in those seasons of discontent when he drank more than ever. But he was not always drunk. He went on the wagon (for him this meant beer instead of whiskey) for days and weeks at a time. The difficulty toward the end was that he couldn't hold the stuff. He went to pieces on his second or third drink. And he did not snap back quickly."

Why, that's it! I am older now, and unable to snap back quickly, just like Senator Joseph McCarthy!

For you conspiracy theorists or those of you who actually follow the news - and not that drivel on the Fox Opinion Channel – you will have heard about the 2,750th victim of the 911 attacks - Felicia Dunn-Jones, a civil rights attorney from Staten Island who died five months after 9/11. It also opens the door for the families of others who fell mortally ill after contact with Ground Zero dust to demand they be included on the list of victims and at the memorial.

Now, you say to yourself, what does 911 ground zero, the 2,750th victim and Dave have in common? I can't answer you. I just can't. If I could mention something about building number 7, let's say Larry Silverstein, in New York, actually directed the World Trade Center Number 7 be pulled, meaning brought down by controlled demolition. In February of 2002 Silverstein Properties won $861 million from Industrial Risk Insurers to rebuild on the site of WTC 7. Silverstein Properties' estimated investment in WTC 7 was $386 million. So: This building's collapse resulted in a profit of about $500 million! I mean, if I were to mention something . . . Anyway, dust has always bothered me, especially my eyes.

And by the way, when one flies standby on an unnamed national airline, you DO NOT get bonus frequent flyer miles for having to wait in the airport for SEVERAL days while the FAA and the GOVERNMENT have ALL aircraft GROUNDED (except for certain friends of George H. W. – A.K.A. the Bin Laden family).

So, if one WERE to be exposed to toxic dust several years ago, one MIGHT be in line for some compensation. I'M JUST SAYING . . . !