The Great Bee Battle of 2007

CAUTION: Graphic images of battle casualties included in this post!
View images at your own risk.

The date; Fourteen, August, 2007.
The scene of the battle had been chosen. For a strategic victory, it was decided that there would need to be an attack on two separate fronts.

As the predetermined date and time of attack approached, I (as field commander) armed myself with the arsenal of a warrior of my caliber. I have always prided myself on my humane tactics, but today, (in direct violation of the “rules on engagement” from the Geneva Convention, I prepared for a complete chemical genocide of every drone, queen and pupa (man, woman, and child). In order to prevent my enemies from escape, and to avoid the unsightly and dangerous situation of fallen soldiers littering the battlefield, I built a barrier to surround the first battle field. (An ice cream pail). I lined the barrier with thick absorbent material (toilet paper), and then began soaking the absorbent material with a toxic chemical agent. I still had no regrets for the action(s) I was about to undertake. With my son as a witness to my imminent victory, I slowly covered the battlefield in the chemically deluged battle field container.

It was now that I started to wonder if my eternal soul may pay for such a heinous method of genocide. As the barrier went up around the community, I could see (and hear) the enemy combatants as they angrily (and futile) tried to escape. I watched (in a sick sort of bemusement) as one by one, the solders fell victim to the effects of the toxic chemical attack. I was relieved when I finally saw no more movement, nor could I hear any sounds of life from the previously “buzzing with life” community.

I (along with my youngest son) viewed the eerie sight of what was left of my enemies fortress. It was oddly quiet, void of any life… Zachary noticed the incubators that contained the yet unborn enemy soldiers. He commented on how interesting it would be to have been able to witness the miracle of birth. We continued to check the fortress for any remaining soldiers, when Zachary pointed out movement from one of the incubation chambers. Knowing this would be a once in a lifetime opportunity, we sat, and watched as another (new) enemy merged from it’s birth place unaffected by the previous chemical attack.. OOnly seconds after witnessing its birth, I took a snipers stance, and ended it’s “moment’s old” life. We decided we could take no more chances, and put down a layer of “suppressive fire” that not a single living enemy could have survived. (Not even the unborn). Out of respect (and morbid curiosity) we collected the remains of the fallen, and left the battlefield.

It was only a short reprieve before we reached the second battle scene. Due to its inconvenient location, I was unable to utilize the “chemical containment system” to wipe out the entire base. Unsealed the (previously) sealed entrance, and waited for the enemy to swarm me. There was no movement from within the camp. I started beating the outside of their fortress, hoping to rouse the battle spirit within them, but this was not enough. Since my eternal soul was in trouble for my previous battlefield atrocities, I decided I had nothing to loose, and begin another chemical attack. Moments after the attack began, hordes of the enemy began fleeing their fortress. The layout and sheer numbers of enemies in this second battle convinced me that I would not achieve the 100% kill rate that I enjoyed in the prior battle. After dozens of enemy soldiers fled their encampment, I surveyed the damage. I had about a 33% kill rate.

My son (always the observant one - and trying to keep his dear ol’ dad safe) noticed a small (previously unnoticed) hole where two soldiers seemed to have fled from (without my having seen them). I immediately changed my coordinates, and sent a deluge of chemical toxin back down the hole. A huge wave of soldiers fled the main entrance. It was a mass exodus. There were far more soldiers than I could handle alone. It was time I rethought my tactics. I stepped back into a snipers position, and (as the sheer numbers started slowing down) I pegged off my enemies - one by one. I again enjoyed an (about) 33% kill rate (although this is estimated).

We (once again) collected the remains of the fallen, and left the battlefield. The remains were counted and anyalized, and all that is left is to record this victory in the history books.


As of 1700 hours, both battles can be considered a success. I am watching as a few of the surviving soldiers return to the second battlefield, only to find access to their fortress blocked. I will (as long as I am armed) continue to snipe enemy combatants in a continuation of these (very successful) missions.


  1. Nice job Commander!

    ...and I thought I had a bee problem!

  2. Thank you for a very fun read. Christopher will have trouble with this one, he HATES bees.

  3. You are a killing machine.

    The worst bee infestation we ever had was underneath the kid's playscape deck. I had to bundle up in long pants and long sleeve shirt in the summer heat to do battle while I was laying under the 'scape.

    I was packing two cans (and a spare) of that 20 foot shooter wasp spray. No wasps survived. Niether did the 3 cans of spray.

    The soil under the 'scape may be toxic now, but the wasps haven't come back to play!

  4. Good thing you had a sharp-eyed lookout with you.

  5. Impressive. Most impressive.

    Perhaps we could form some sort of international alliance.

  6. Brothers in arms against the brothers in wings.

    We may be outnumberd, but we have the hearts and souls of warriers!

  7. Nice shootin', Tex.

  8. Yeah, well... It's not quite the same as a red-squirrel count...



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