I Have Declared War!

It has not been since the Great Bee Battle of 2007 that I have endeavored to undertake a battle of such epic proportions.  (Be warned, there are graphic images of battle casualties included behind that link!  View images at your own risk.)

Back during the Great Bee Battle I emerged victorious after vanquishing two (separate) menacing hordes of bees by enacting  a edict of mass execution.  I was able to declare my victory after only one day of battle.

This new war will be nothing less than a personal Fatwā of Jihad.  Me versus my enemy.  I will accept nothing but victory.

IMG_0675A few nights ago, while the Mother of Five took all but #5 of 5 to the Jordan Hubman's (our local High School team) Homecoming football game, I found myself passing the time by doing several loads of laundry. 

It was while I was performing this duty (as I made one of many trips into the laundry room) I noticed a tiny bit of movement out of the corner of my eye. 

I immediacy ran to the location of the movement (behind our washer and dryer) and found myself face to face, and even being given the "stink eye" by my new foe. 

A Mouse...

But not just "a mouse" mind you.  Oh no. 

Having spent ten years of my life working in a medium sized local neighborhood Hardware Store, I can not even being to tell you how many times I reminded customers of the old adage...

"You don't just have a mouse.  You have MICE."  

Immediately, #5 of 5 freaked out - and ran as fast as she could away from the laundry room - and WOULD NOT go in there to save her soul.  No, in fact when I took her in there to get her some jammies out of the dryer, I had to carry her - and when I set her down to sort through the clothes in the dryer, the only way I could let her down was if she stood ON my feet.

Several days later, and she still refuses to go into the laundry room alone.  I do not completely understand this for two reasons..IMG_1539

1.  She never SAW the mouse, she only heard me talk about it - and I did not even freak out  or anything.. It was said "matter of factly" - like "uh-oh... We have a mouse in the house.  I'm going to have to try and get some traps to catch the little bugger"...

and...

 2.  My daughters (#4 and #5 of 5) have gerbils.  Well, they had "gerbils" until our cats changed that to we have "a gerbil" - if you know what I mean. 

But that does not change anything.  Our girls have played with, and man-handled our gerbils. 

And let's be frank here for a moment.  Really, how different are mice from gerbils??  Isn't the word "Gerbil" Spanish for "Domesticated Mouse"?  If it's not Spanish, I am certain it is in some other obscure language...

Photo on the right is of #4 of 5 and either "Nibbles" or "Cookie"... I never could tell the difference between the two of them - especially since this photo was taken before the cats...  Well...  I hope you know what I mean...    

If this photo was a bit more recent, I could tell you that it was "Nibbles" for sure, as "Cookie" has gone to that great "Cookie Jar" in the sky thanks to our cats.

heavy artilleryBefore we moved to our new home, our last house had a single attached garage that was too small for a car - and became a oversized storage area.  I was still working nights back then (how ironic... I'm back on them again) - and the Mother of Five told me that at night, she could hear scratching in the walls and ceiling. 

Like a good husband, I gave her the ol' "uh-huh" and never gave it another thought - until I heard them... 

Over the next couple of months, I had a great time setting traps, poisons, looking for holes, and evidence of where the mice were at. 

Truth be told, I ENJOYED the battle against the mice. 

After dinner, I would set the traps, and would listen quietly for the inevitable "snap" of a trap.  Sometimes we would hear two or three "snaps" within a few minutes of each other.... That's when I knew they were on the move! 

Mission-accomplishedBy the end of that winter, I had just under twenty "kills" under my belt. 

So, now it's time to dust off those battle hardened skills, and put them back into use.  Step one?  Break out the Heavy Artillery".  Not wanting to be looked upon as a brutal, oppressive warmonger, I only deployed half of my "Heavy Artillery" - hoping that would solve my problem without having to make a tyrannical show of force.

Until "they" were able to circumvent my best efforts, and disarm my Artillery (eat the peanut butter off the traps) without succumbing to raining of hellfire from above (the spring-loaded snap-bar).

Yup, they ate the bait off of TWO traps - without setting them off.  I (in theory) FED the mice!!!  They (in theory) stole food from my children by eating that peanut butter, and not having the common courtesy to set off the trap.

As of Tuesday morning, I have reinforced the traps with something a mouse just can not turn down.  Provolone Cheese (smeared with peanut butter).  The Peanut butter for the taste and smell, and the gourmet cheese as something the trigger can "bite" into.

I am certain that this time around, the mice will have no luck disarming my artillery, and will fall victim to it's version of a swift death from above.

In fact...  I am so certain of my future success, that I may just take this (premature) opportunity to announce "Mission Accomplished"...

Oh, wait... That did not work so well for the last fella that used it...  
Maybe I should change my announcement...

6 comments:

  1. Here is to (the inevitable) VICTORY!!!

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  2. This is hysterical! The Weasel kids would be begging to catch the critters and keep them as pets. I would be using the heavy artillery myself.

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  3. My gosh, you are so freaking funny! Ha ha! You know, you JUST REMINDED ME that I've heard scratching. NO JOKE! I hope my husband is as brave as you are to take on such a mighty warrior's battle.

    Thanks for commenting on my blog! :)

    ReplyDelete
  4. David,
    or "Dear Brother In Arms" . . .
    Last night operation MOUSETRAP commenced at 22:00 hrs. By 02:00 the count was three, with no obvious collateral damage. This morning the count is at five. I do not expect to match your total of 20 - not because we here in God's Country are neat and clean -there are so many places for the enemy to hide. After 24 hours of the operation, tactics will shift to the stratigic placement along the enemie's supply trails in the garage. Depending on the success of that strategy, I may be forced to implement "seek and destroy" as a "final option".
    Good luck, watch your back and I wish you all the success in your battle with the vermin enemy!
    Co-Worker

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  5. David,
    Also, get enough sleep, as you can tell from my previous post, with only four hours of sleep, speling is not my strong sute, nor is grammar. ENEMY'S, ENEMIES' or ENEMIE'S? Grammar police, can you help? I am confused on plural/possesives . . .
    Co-Worker

    ReplyDelete
  6. Ah man, great story! I loved "I (in theory) fed the mice!!! The (in theory) stole food from my children"

    I feel your pain though, we have red ant hills in our backyard and I've been in a heated war with them for the past two years. I tend to win the battles, (unless they invade the house and infiltrate the cookie jar) but the war is never over!

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