Less Than Three Months.

Yup... Less than three months...
Three months since what FOF??
It's been three months since THIS POST. That was the "Perseverance through Catharsis" post.

A post that I may surprised a few people with.

A post that found me questioning why a five month old baby would have died, while a lifelong criminal gets to continue it's vile existence...

I had many nice comments from all of you, and yes - they all make sense...

They all make sense until... You come home with a stomach so tied in knots it physically hurts. My stomach feels like it is filled with acid, and all the tums in the world would not do a thing.

They all make sense until... You pick up the ringing 911 line, and are face to face (or more like mouth to ear) with a screaming day care provider... A screaming day care provider who just found one of the children she cares for not breathing anymore... This time it is a two year old...
Oh, dont get me wrong. I get calls all the time where the caller says "I dont think they are breathing, but I am not sure". I have learned to not get worked up with that phrase... You'd be AMAZED how many people who are "not breathing" really are...

But, when the first arriving officer says "Dispatch, we have a full arrest" instead of "Dispatch, subject is breathing and conscious" - then the call hits home a little more.
So you stay strong... You hang in there... You wait.. The silence on the other side of the radio lasts FOREVER.
Waiting. Hoping. Praying.
Until a frantic officer asks for a team of detectives, (standard protocol for a call of this nature - a call of this nature that will likely not end happily).
Still hoping and praying that there may be a chance... even a little bit of a chance...
You follow the call as best as you can... Then a glimmer of hope shines through! A report from the officer at the hospital that the baby has a pulse, and can even maintain it's own blood pressure...
Ahhh.. Relief... The prayers worked! Perhaps I DID make a difference today.
Until... On the way out the door you run into the lead detective, and you find out that the baby was likely "down" for close to 20 minutes... And (without having to be told) you know what that means...

Persevere FOF... Persevere...
Against all opposition
Crushing all limitations
Pure strength through solitude
Discipline and determination
Even though things still don't make sense... I still have to get up and do it all over again tomorrow.


  1. You are my hero. I could never do your job and stay sane. Remember that not a sparrow falls that God is not aware of. That little person is in the palm of God's hand and He loves His little child.

  2. Ugh, hang in there big guy, I KNOW you did everything in your power.

  3. Wow, man. I know you deal with some serious stuff at work, but even a taste of it makes me want to run and hide under the covers.

    But I am glad to know that when I have called in there are people like you on the other end of the line.

  4. I just read this post and the one from 3 months ago. I am in tears. I am a mother who has been on the other end of the phone(actually Dad called, while I started CPR). *I'm shaking* and that was 6 yrs ago. Thank you for talking about your side of these experiences. On the other end all we here is the professional calm questions and instructions as we want to scream "Didn't hear what I just said! HELP!!!!!". I understand that both for sanity and proficiency of the job, you have to try and detach, but it's nice to know that you cared. Parents like me never get to know how our child impacted and mattered to others at the time. None of the first responders ever tell us even after the fact. They try not to make eye contact. I understand why this is, but it is crushing as is happens and it's nice to know that you cared and went home to hold your own tight that night.


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